By Roselyn Casiano | Self-Awareness and Success Coach | Insightful Essence
Identifying People-Pleasing Behaviors:
Saying no seems like it should be easy, but it can actually be one of the most challenging things for people to do. A fear of rejection can make it difficult to say no, and it’s been known that the feeling of rejection can cause physical pain. This can result in people-pleasing habits, like going along with a crowd, holding back personal opinions, or isolating oneself and calling it “independence.” These habits could be a subconscious reaction to avoid people or setting boundaries. They can also manifest anywhere, at home or at work, and with any relationships. Regardless of how people-pleasing presents itself in your life, giving into these fears can create emotional distress due to going against your own wants and needs. But there is a gift hidden in people-pleasing behaviors; gifts that can help you become empowered and boost your confidence.
There is Always an Origin:
First, we must explore what is at the root of people-pleasing tendencies. I still remember what activated my people-pleasing tendencies. The church priest asked me to close the door so he could continue to grope me. I was six, and growing up in a religious family made it difficult to say no. Hence, this is the first time I remember ignoring the voice screaming inside my head, asking me to run and leave. Since then, shame, guilt, and distrust in myself never left my side, driving my behavior to seek external approval for acceptance through achievements.
Origin situations may differ for everyone, creating a particular source for unwanted people-pleasing behaviors. Still, scarcity is at the root, bleeding through your subconscious, triggering you to act in ways that solidify a dependence on others or things in exchange for self-worth.
The Hidden Gem in People-Pleasing:
Anything that takes us away from our authentic selves will cause us emotional distress. From birth, we require being at perfect harmony with our needs and desires. In our socialization, we begin to disconnect from our authentic selves and buy into the belief that external forces know what makes us happy better than we do. Yet, our bodies never lie. People-pleasing leaves an emotional aftertaste that is hard to tell but usually leads to resentment, self-doubt, anger, and other distressing emotions. Hence, many struggle with managing their feelings, having healthy relationships, accessing wealth, and feeling happy.
With all its negativity, there is still some good that can come out of people-pleasing, and it comes from a change of perspective. First, people-pleasing has the power to develop resiliency. It can help the individual increase their tolerance to distress, and help one persevere through the pain and discomfort that stems from people-pleasing behaviors.
We Still Have a Choice:
We established earlier that some people may engage in people-pleasing because they don’t like conflict or they’re afraid of being rejected. Subconsciously, they are avoiding pain or distress. However, regardless of the reason, they are left with another type of distress: the betrayal of the self. It’s a double-edged sword, but in this case, we must ask ourselves what kind of distress we are more willing to endure: the distress of self-rejection, or the perceived rejection from others. If distress is going to be present either way, it’s better we choose to embrace one that continues the people-pleasing pattern, or another that leads to transformation, freedom, and authenticity.
However, regardless of their reason, they are left with another type of distress: the betrayal of the self. Instead, the action is to ask themselves what kind of distress they are willing to endure, that is, from self-rejection or the perceived rejection from others. Regardless of their choice, distress will be present, and it is a matter of choosing what kind of distress the person will embrace, one that continues a people-pleasing pattern or one that will lead to transformation, freedom, and authenticity.
Side note: This article focuses on one aspect of people-pleasing and one technique to transform this mindset. However, many factors cause people to be people-pleasers, and mentorship is highly encouraged. Some of these factors can become barriers even when incorporating the mentioned technique, such as perceiving worthiness comes from others’ validation or distrust in self or others, among other reasons. If you need help with people-pleasing, feel free to reach out and seek guidance.
Roselyn Casiano
Self-Awareness and Success Coach
Insightful Essence
Roselyn Casiano is a Self-Awareness and Success Coach with over ten years of training in the mental health field. She was born in New York, USA, but raised in Puerto Rico. Her experience led her to see how therapy only touched on cultural and wealth-related problems at a superficial level. Therefore, with her knowledge, she developed a program tailored to women in business that will help them notice unhealthy patterns that have been normalized, such as overthinking, prioritizing others, or not asking for help. These, among other patterns, have caused ongoing stress, overwhelm, feeling unsupported, and disconnect to transform into the freedom of time, connect with their purpose, enhance relationships, and access wealth.
